Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
