remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
