we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
