All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
there is glitter all over my balls
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