you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Randomize
