how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
