she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I love having hate sex.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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