I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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