It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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