This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
