I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i wish my penis had a tongue
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
