what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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