it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
