I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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