So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
