i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
