We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
