woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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