I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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