I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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