I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize