When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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