the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
