I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Randomize
