Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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