I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize