She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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