I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
