Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
