Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
NoShamevember. You game?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
