Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
