Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
