i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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