Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
