if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
