I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
