Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Randomize
