she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Welp...herpes.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
