I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
