Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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