So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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