Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Randomize
