his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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