So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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