I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
