Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
