Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
smell my finger.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
