A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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