Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
