one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
