So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
