i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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