having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
