I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
