so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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