3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
