I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
that's an acceptable place to lick
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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