No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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