im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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